Let’s say you have some money burning a hole in your pocket. Then let’s say youÂ spendÂ that money on a baseball ticket. If you go that far, you’re probably going to want to actuallyÂ goÂ to the game.
But then what? What to do once you’re actually sitting in a major league baseball stadium?
There really are only three options:
- Watch the game
- Drink heavily (usually accompanied by eating heavily)
- Doesn’t matter who. The players, the umps, the coaches or managers…just pick a victim and stick to it.
The first two are no-brainers. Any run of the mill fan can become good at them. But number three? Ah, there are some rules you should follow if you want to come across as a first-rate heckler and not some know-nothing, baseball heckling virgin.
So let’s go over some things you shouldn’t say while heckling, lest you want to sound ridiculous.
This is obviously directed at the pitcher. Now, if the pitcher needs you to tell him to ‘throw strikes’, he shouldn’t be out there in the first place, should he? The only good part about hearing the ‘throw strikes’ heckle is the inevitable response from another fan who is sick of your stupid ranting – “Why didn’t HE think of that?”.
“You’re a bum (insert name of former MVP, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, Cy Young winner here)Â !”*
Through 2005, Manny Ramirez had a career batting average of .314, over 1400 rbi, over 1900 hits, scored almost 1200 runs and had an on base percentage of .409. He isÂ notÂ a bum. He is a pain in the ass who could make a little old schoolmarm swear like a sailor when he starts his “Manny being Manny“crap, but he isÂ notÂ a bum. Yelling “You’re a bum, Manny” because he strikes out against a pitcher who is striking everyone out during the second week of the season makes you look like a horse’s ass.
Besides, Manny can’t hear you. And if he could, he’d just smile and wave like thoseÂ penguinsÂ in “Madagascar”.
Wait…that’s always a good one. At least when the Yankees are playing your team. Or if a Yankees fan does something stupid like, you know, look at you.
“You should have had that!”
“No shit? Really? Was I supposed to catch that? Why don’t they teach us these things in practice?”
And, the red-headed cousin of “You should have had that”, “What were you swinging at?“.
IfÂ youÂ don’t know what he’s swinging at, I’m pretty sure you’re at the wrong sporting event.
Be creative people. If you have to be an ass at the game, make it original. Give us something to remember you by after we get security to kick your drunk, ignorant, never played a day of baseball but think you can do better than the professionals, ass out of the park.
*Â Even Alex Rodriguez is NOT a bum. He’s a bush league punk who only cares about padding his stats and couldn’t care less what the rest of his team is doing…but by no means is he a ‘bum’.