Do You Know Me?

  • I’ve been playing in Major League Baseball for eight years
  • I was an All-Star for three consecutive seasons
  • I have a Silver Slugger and a Gold Glove
  • I made 7.5 million dollars last season
  • My batting average currently leads my team
  • I was on the 2003 Marlins team that humiliated the Yankees in the World Series!

But do I get articles written about me discussing what my at-bat music should be? No.

Do I get a specialized shirt at The Yawkey Way Store? Hell no! (And may I remind you all that Coco is on the DL, folks? HE ISN’T EVEN PLAYING and all I see at Fenway are Coco t-shirts!)

I hit three doubles on Friday night, made (if I do say so myself) an amazing, diving catch and I stole third base…third base, folks, do you KNOW how hard it is to steal third? I do all this and who gets the biggest ovation of the night?

This guy:

I mean come on!

Half of the Boston sports media wrote me off. Oh, Theo was just letting me tag along so the Red Sox could sign Josh Beckett. How’s that working out? I’ll tell you how. Beckett’s ERA is 4.86. (Have I mentioned that my .339 average leads the team?) Beckett has been struggling, while I’m becoming the double king of the east coast! But who gets all the publicity? Beckett.

I know how you people like to compare us to the Yankees, so let’s compare me to their third baseman, okay? Hell, Alex Rodriguez is only hitting .266 with a measly four doubles. Do you know how many doubles I have? SEVENTEEN! Not such a big deal…except that it IS since I’m leading the freaking league right now!

So where is the love? Where is the respect? Most importantly…where the hell are the groupies?

No, seriously. Where are they? I spent Friday night watching NESN’s midnight replay of the game. I was awesome! Instead of sitting in front of the television letting my cat eat out of the tv dinner tray, I should have been surrounded by beautiful women. But was I? No. Lenny Dinardo can barely get the ball over the plate…the women are all over him. Kevin Youkilis? Looks like a bald troll doll…can’t take five steps away from Fenway without tripping over some gal throwing herself at him.


I’m sorry. It was a long day at Fenway and in 24 hours I’ll be sitting in a hotel room in New York, preparing for my first foray into Yankee Stadium in a Red Sox uniform. I’m a little stressed.

Maybe the New York chicks will know how to appreciate a real third basemen?

Or, I could become a Yankee killer. That’ll get me some nice write-ups, my own funky t-shirts and all the Red Sox chickies I could ever want. That’ll work.

I guess I can wait.

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