The Optimist’s Live Blog

A friend of mine (Hi Pam!) suggested we need the good Kevin Millar mojo – so here it is.  As I live blog, the autographed Millar jersey is on my back.  No alcohol tonight, I’m being fueled by Red Bull. (If you keep reading, we’ve changed the Millar mojo to Bronson mojo.  When Bronson mojo didn’t work, we changed to Kyle Snyder mojo!)

“The Rays are 9 innings away from a World Series” says the deep-voiced, voice-over dude on TBS.

Not happening tonight.  Mark it down.

8:01pm – Good God I never thought I’d miss Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

8:05 – It’s 66 degrees at Fenway Park and Chip Caray thinks it’s cold.  Oh, Chip, wait until 10pm.

8:07 – Daisuke has 18 wins.  “20 if you count post-season” says Ron Darling.  Nice of you to mention it, Ron but, no, we don’t count post season with regular season in the stats.

8:08 – First pitch is a ball.  Meaningless, I know.

8:09 – Every time Buck Martinez speaks, dogs all over the country cry.

8:10 – Iwamura has a 3-2 count and I have a stomach ache.  Oddly, when he gets a base hit with this count, I’m less concerned.

8:11 – If “Buck made a good point”, Ron, why did you feel that you had to explain it?

8:12 – BJ Upton hits a home run and we get to hear Chip Caray’s first orgasm of the night.  2-0 Rays.

8:12b – Chip Caray mentions the “deafening silence” in Fenway.  I’m going to say it right now.  I hope Chip Caray gets hit by a truck when this game is over.

8:14 – Carlos Pena strikes out looking and Daisuke gets his first out.

8:15 – I have six eight friends at the game tonight.  I refuse to believe they are all there to see a loss.

8:16 – Evan Longoria with the 2-2 count.  Let’s finish him off, eh, Daisuke?

8:16b – Longoria flies out to JD Drew.  2 down.

8:18 – Three down.  2-0 Rays.  And I realize that Scott Kazmir is pitching and my stomach ache goes away.

8:19 – TBS just went black.  Man this better be them and not the cable.

8:23 – It was the cable.  I missed Coco get on base.  Who cares?  He’s on base and that’s good enough for me.

8:24 – Coco moves to second, Pedroia is out and Papi is up…

8:26 – Papi strikes out and gives me a sad.  Two outs, Coco on second and Youk up…

8:27 – I keep thinking of Jason Bay.  This is the longest he’s ever played in his professional career.  Extend this season for Jason, fellas.  Youk has a 3-0 count.

8:28 – Youk walks and brings up Jay Bay.  Make it happen for yourself, Jason.

8:29 – Ron Darling will have none of Chip Caray’s hyperbole.  So this inning I don’t want to set him on fire.

8:30 – Well that sucked.  Jay Bay flies out.  Kazmir has already thrown 21 pitches but he’s still the dude winning.  2-0 Rays.

8:32 – I’m not sure there’s enough Red Bull to get me through this game.

8:33pm – Juuuust a bit outside, Daisuke.  1-1 count on Cliff Floyd.

8:34 – Ron Darling just said that “everywhere he goes” Cliff Floyd has been a winner.  I think Mets fans and Red Sox fans might dispute that a tad, Ron.

8:35 – I get it.  He’s bringing them all to a full count.  Must be part of his game plan.

8:36 – Youk throws Cliff Floyd out.  Looks like the rain might be spitting down right now.

8:37 – We’re on Game 5 of the ALCS.  There were 4 games of the ALCS.  That’s nine games that the TBS dudes have had to learn that Kevin Youkilis is a NATURAL FREAKING THIRD BASEMAN!!!  Hell, Youk told Sager that after Game 1.  Why do they sound so stunned every time they talk about how well Youk plays third?

8:38 – I just WOOOOOOOOOO’d out loud!  Navarro lines out right into Daisuke’s glove.  Two outs!

8:40 – Red Sox fans sound very loud.  Funny how none of the asshats at TBS are mentioning this right now.

8:41 – Daisuke went from an 0-2 count to a full count on Gabe Gross.  Stunning, I know.

8:42 – Daisuke loses Gross.  Dori, one of my friends at the game, texted me to start praying.  I told her I’d start praying as soon as I stopped throwing up.  (I joke.  I haven’t started throwing up.  Yet.)

8:43 – Gross steals second.  He has 3 steals in the 2008 season.  Yeah, that’s about right.

8:44 – Bartlett hits it to Jay Bay.  Nicely done.  2-0 Rays with JD Drew due up next.

8:47 – I originally typed “JD Drew do up next”.  My brain works good.

8:48 – I’m watching this game with my dad.  He just called Chip Caray an “asshole”.  I love my dad.

8:50 – JD Drew is out.  Sigh.

8:51 – Buck Martinez just, basically, told Chip Caray that his theory on why Kazmir is pitching tonight is stupid.  Way to go, Buck.

8:52 – How long until the whiteness of the team gets brought up?  (Since they’re talking about how different the team is.)  Lowrie?  He be out as well.

8:53 – Baseball is a long-ass game when your team is losing, huh?

8:54 – Kazmir hits Tek and no one in Fenway boos.  This is not an accident.

8:54 – Kotsay is up.  Kotsay gets a hit just as I’m about to type “Please don’t revert to the suck”.  Woot!

8:55 – Two on, two outs and Coco up.  Please, baby, please.

8:57 – Do the TBS folks in the truck want to poke their eardrums with sharp sticks the way I do?

8:58 – Coco strikes out swinging.  The lobster count is 4 thus far.  2-0 Rays at the end of two.

9:01 – Cheech and Chong were the funniest thing in comedy when I was in grammar school.  Now?  Not so much, TBS.

9:02 – Holy shit, Mark Kotsay and Daisuke couple together to make a fabulous play at first!!!!!!  One down.

9:03 – I love how they replay Upton’s first-inning home run.  As if it’s been so long since it happened that we’ve forgotten it.

9:04 – BJ Upton hits a one-out single.  I will NOT be stunned to see Chip Caray run out to first base and fellate him while Carlos Pena bats.

9:05 – And fuck me.  Pena hits a two-run home run.  4-0 Tampa Bay.  This does not look good folks.

9:05b – Cocknocker Caray mentions the quiet crowd again.  Asshat really isn’t strong enough a word.

9:07 – “Track, wall, GONE” is Chip Caray’s home run call.  Evan Longoria hits a solo home run to make it 5-0.  I promise to stick with this live blog but I have to say, I’m a minute and a half away from throwing up all over my laptop.

9:08 – I’m not surprised to see someone up in the bullpen.  But I’m stunned to see the guy up be Hideki Okajima.  Rays have two outs.  Whoopee.

9:09 – I still believe that the Sox can come back.  In the event that they don’t, it amuses me to think that MLB and Fox will want to hang themselves over a Phillies/Rays World Series.

9:10 – Daisuke gets out of the inning.  I’m not impressed.  5-0 Rays.

9:14 – Pedroia and Papi both make quick outs and some of the assholes at Fenway boo Ortiz.  Fuck you, people, fuck you.  There’s a team in the Bronx looking for more fans, go jump on THAT bandwagon.

9:16 – Dori just texted me again to tell me people are leaving.  God I hope all the assholes leave before the game ends.

9:17 – Dale and Steve, Tru, Kelly O, Dori, Jere, jojo and CJ are my friends who are at the game.  None of these people would leave because the game sucks.  None of these people would boo their team.  These are good people to have at the game regardless of how it ends.  I’m  pleased that they’re there representing us.

9:19 – Youk gets a two-out single to bring up Jay Bay.  Many fans are cheering yet TBS doesn’t mention this…again.

9:20 – Jay Bay strikes out.  Lobster count is 5.  End of the third, 5-0 Rays.

9:21 – Incidentally, the Kevin Millar mojo is for shit.  I’m going to the Bronson mojo.

9:23 – Two outs.  Text message from KellyO “I have assholes behind me.  Fortunately, I’m not the only one who thinks so”.  This is where I mention that I hate people.

9:26 – But I love the Red Sox.  1-2-3 inning.  Let’s get something started, fellas!

9:29 – Fourth inning.  JD Drew is up and already has a 2-0 count.

9:30 – JD walks in four pitches.  This makes me happy.

9:32 – Lowrie hits into a fielder’s choice.  JD is out, Lowrie is on first and Tek is up with one out.  What are the chances of Tek getting hit again?

9:34 – Ah, now we’re going to get the “Jason Varitek might not be back next year” talk.  This is fun.  Where is my eye-rolling emoticon?

9:35 – Jason Varitek strikes out swinging.  Good God that was ugly.

9:35b – The Rays won the East and they were the story of the year, all year.  Buck Martinez really thinks there are baseball fans who don’t know who Scott Kazmir or James Shields are?

9:36 – Wild pitch moves Jed to second.  Oh Jason, you make baby Jesus cry.

9:37 – Mark Kotsay, you have a home run in you.  I know you do.

9:38 – WTF do I know?  Kotsay strikes out swinging.  Lobster roll is now 6.

9:42 – Daisuke walks Iwamura to lead off the inning.  Sigh.

9:43 – Daisuke is out of the game…oh man.  Matsuzaka and Lester both nails in the regular season and, well, not so nails, in the post-season (the LCS at least).  I totally haz a sad.

9:46 – Oki is in the game.  I wonder if they played his song.  I can’t imagine grooving to “Okajima Okey Dokey” at this game.

9:48 – BJ Upton strikes out.  1 out, 1 on.

9:49 – Pena bunts and gets on.  1st and 2nd with one out.

9:53 – Wow.  Iwamura steals third as Oki almost decapitates Evan Longoria, who ends up striking out swinging.  2 outs, men on 1st and 3rd.

9:56 – Oki gets the three outs.  HE impresses me.

10:00 – Sox already have one two outs.  They must be in a hurry to get home.

10:02 – End of the fifth.  Papi is 1-17 in the ALCS.  God that’s depressing.

10:06 – There’s a decent chance I might have to hike into Boston and bail KellyO out for beating someone to death with her camera before this game is over – if her texts to me about the assholes sitting around her are any indication.  Oki has an out and no one on thus far.

10:08 – Sorry Bronson, your mojo is for shit as well.  Yes, you all knew it was coming, Kyle Mojo (with a shot of Steve!).

10:09 – Oki has two outs and a 1-2 count on Gabe Gross – who ends up hitting it to Pedroia.  Oki is doing his part, now the bats have to wake the hell up.

10:14 – Youk is up.  He has a 2-2 count.  A hit wouldn’t suck right now, Kev.

10:16 – Youk strikes out.  Holy hell.

10:18 – Jay Bay strikes out as well.  6th inning and Kazmir looks amazing still.

10:20 – JD is out.  As Caray says “9 more out for the Rays”.  Eesh.

10:24 – Manny Delcarmen is in the game.  Stands still look pretty full.  I’m considering mixing the Red Bull with some alcohol…

10:27 – And MDC gives up a lead-off walk.

10:29 – Watching TBS ignore the game for an interview in the stands (Craig Sager and Chuck Lamar), I have time to think if the Sox lose this game, I need to organize a get-together to celebrate the season.

10:32 – MDC walks Bartlett and Iwamura and now Papelbon is coming in.  In the 7th inning.  I can’t ever remember seeing Papelbon and being depressed that he was coming into the game.

10:34 – I hear “Shipping up to Boston”.  Never have I thought it was inappropriate.  Tonight I do.  He isn’t going in to save the game, he’s going in to stop some bleeding.

10:35  – Incidentally, I won’t be liveblogging the post-game if the Sox can’t pull this out.  No fucking way.

10:36 – I have small hopes.  I hope Paps gets out of this inning with no runs scoring…

10:38 – Double steal.  2nd, 3rd, no outs.  Buck Martinez tells us “4 steals – 2 home runs tonight”.  Yay.

10:42 – BJ Upton hits a two-run double.  7-0 Rays in the seventh.  BJ Upton made a deal with the devil on September 30th.  True story.

10:43 – Fine.  Leave the game.  Your loss when the Sox come back.

10:45 – KellyO has an asshole (she wrote “idiot”, I’m writing asshole) behind her who has yelled “Manny” all  night.  Fucking, please.

10:47 – Good freaking God it’s still the seventh with no outs, two on and a 1-2 count on Longoria.

10:50 – And there are two outs that I missed while fielding text messages.

10:52 – 31 minutes to play that half of the 7th.  Good God, men.

10:57 – Balfour comes into the game and gives up a lead-off double to Jed Lowrie.  I smell a rally.

11:00 – Not via Tek, though.  1 out, 1 on in the 7th with Kotsay up.

11:01 – I’d comment on Chip Caray’s remarks but I want to stab him in the mouth, so I’m not going to.

11:02 – Kotsay hits it to Upton.  2 outs.  Why is Buck Martinez talking about our players being in the “prime of their career(s)” like it’s a bad thing?  Oh wait, he just said this series isn’t a reflection of this team.  I don’t understand.  The Sox are getting their ass kicked in what is possibly the last game they will play this season and they choose NOW to start saying nice things about them?????

11:04 – Coco gets a single that sends Lowrie to third.  Listen, Pedie, let’s just not get shut out, eh?  At the LEAST, let’s not get shut out.

11:06 – I smile for one of the first times tonight.  Down 7-0 with two outs in the 7th and the Fenway fans are chanting “Bal-four! Bal-four!”.  That takes some titanium balls, no?  😆

11:07 – For the love of all that is good and holy could SOMEONE tell Buck Martinez that he pronounces it OrTIZ not ORtiz?  His last name is Martinez for Pete’s friggin’ sake!  He of all people should know this!!!

11:08 – Pedie has a full count and the fans are quite loud.  Chip Caray finally fucking notices this.

11:09 – WOOOOO No shut out!  (I take my victories where I can get them!)  Pedie gets a base hit, Lowrie scores with Big Papi up.

11:10pm – PAPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HOME RUN!!!!!   7-4, peeps, 7-4!!!!!!!!!!! Woooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

11:14 – I can’t tell you how many text messages I just received that, essentially, said nothing but “Woooooooo!”.  😆

11:15 – Dan fucking Wheeler just threw at Youk’s head and JUST missed him.  Fuck off Wheeler, fuck off.

11:16 – Youk has a full count….Fenway Faithful are on their feet…

11:17 – Youk flies out.  It’s okay, though…I’ll take 7-4 going into the 8th.

11:20 – Papelbon is out there again.  Let’s get 3 quick ones, eh Paps?

11:24 – Paps strikes Aybar out.  One out.  Two more quickly would be nice.  Here comes Navarro.

11:26 – Navarro flies out to Coco.  One more.  Get the boys back at the plate, Paps.

11:27 – Chip Caray just called “Bay, Drew and Lowrie” “Thunder“.  Um. Okay, let’s go with that.

11:28 – Crowd is pretty freaking loud.  Not that Caray has noticed.  Damn, Paps looks like he wants to kill someone.  Fuck yeah!  Paps strikes out…who was that, Gross?  Whoever it was, his ass had to walk back to the dugout.  Come on, guys, make this a big inning!

11:31 – Lord of Thunder, Jason Bay, is at bat.

11:32 – Wow.  Bay walks on 4 pitches.  They show a quick shot of Youk in the dugout and, for a moment, I thought it was some random guy in the stands wearing a Sox jersey who looked like Youk.  Gives you an idea of where my head is.

11:33 – Holy shit.  No, really HOLY SHIT!  JD Drew just crushes a two-run home run!!!!  7-6 Rays!!!!!!!!

11:34 – “Bedlam in Beantown” says Chip Caray.  I actually like that one.  😆

11:35 – Lowrie is up with no outs and Wheeler throws him a first pitch ball.  Lowrie then proceeds to fly out.

11:35b – Sean Casey is pinch hitting for Jason Varitek and the crowd goes wild…

11:37 – Chip Caray on Casey:  “Sean does NOT run well”.  Understatement of the year.  No worries, though, he strikes out.  Shit.  Tek could have done that.  Two down with Mark Kotsay up.  Didn’t I say earlier that Kotsay has a home run in him?  I still think he does.

11:40 – “SHIT!  Would you believe a double?”  Kotsay shuts me up, once again.  Man on second, two outs, Coco up to bat.  Oh man….oh man…

11;43 – In case you’re wondering, I’m having a little trouble breathing at the moment…

11:47 – AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Coco gets thrown out at second to end the inning – but not before MARK KOTSAY SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  7-7 MOFOS!!!!!!!!  Not dead yet, baby, not even close!!!

11:49 – I think I’m dying.  You know, in case you’re interested.

11;50 – Masterson pitching to Cash to face the 9,1, and 2 batters…

11:52 – Okay, Justin, cut that shit out.  Bartlett on, no outs.

11:55 – Iwamura flies out to Bay.  Two more of those, please, Justin.

11:56 – Chip Caray wants Upton to hit a triple and get the cycle.  I want Chip Caray to get eaten by a million piranhas.

11:58 – Upton walks with Pena coming up.  Double play ball, please, Justin.  Time to cut the shit.

12:01 – I just spent the last three minutes screaming things I won’t type here.  I think tough love must be the way to go with Justin.  I tell him to cut the shit and give us a double play ball…and he does MOFOS!

12:03 – Pedroia is out.  Thus setting up the Large Father for one of the biggest walk-off home runs of his life.

12:05 – Oh Papi.  :(  Now it’s up to Youk.  Come on dude.  Off your ass and end this now, baby!

12:11 – No updates because I’m pacing the house.  Shitty throw gets Youk to second and brings up Bay.  Jason Bay is destined to win this game.  Let’s do it!

12:12 – Jay Bay gets the intentional walk to bring up JD.  If there was anyone aside from Jason who has earned the right to win this game…it’s JD Drew.  I think I’m blind.

12;16 – AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY D WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:18 – Craig Sager is interviewing JD and he looks like he just came back from buying beer at the packie.  Dude is chill.

12:18b – I mean it…I think I’m dying.  I have to go back to work on Friday.  Oh yeah, I’ll be a bucket of useful.

12:20am  – I’m crying.  Honestly crying.  Yes, I’m an idiot, and I’m crying like a baby.  Oh, and fuck you TBS.

Never give up folks.  Never give up.

I’m gonna tell you a story
I’m gonna tell you about my town
I’m gonna tell you a big bad story, baby
Aww, it’s all about my town

Yeah, down by the river
Down by the banks of the river Charles (aw, that’s what’s happenin’ baby)
That’s where you’ll find me
Along with lovers, fuggers, and thieves (aw, but they’re cool people)
Well I love that dirty water
Oh, Boston, you’re my home (oh, you’re the Number One place)
Frustrated women (I mean they’re frustrated)
Have to be in by twelve o’clock (oh, that’s a shame)
But I’m wishin’ and a-hopin, oh
That just once those doors weren’t locked (I like to save time for
my baby to walk around)
Well I love that dirty water
Oh, Boston, you’re my home (oh, yeah)

Because I love that dirty water
Oh, oh, Boston, you’re my home (oh, yeah)

Well, I love that dirty water (I love it, baby)
I love that dirty water (I love Baw-stun)
I love that dirty water (Have you heard about the Strangler?)
I love that dirty water (I’m the man, I’m the man)
I love that dirty water (Owww!)
I love that dirty water (Come on, come on)