A Letter from a Friend

Dear Johnny Damon (or can I just call you Johnny?):

You and me, we have a lot in common. We both have World Series rings. We both are misunderstood by the media and the fans. And we both love wrestling!

We’re soul brothers. Made for each other. So I was thinking about a way to bring the two of us together. Not in a gay way (although I hear some ladies dig that. Maybe there’s some money in it for us?) but like real brothers. And because you’re my brother, I have an offer that I know you’ll love. What’s say you go on TNA with me and David Eckstein? (Hey, he has a World Series ring too! We’re like TRIPLETS!)

All you have to do is whack a few guys with folding chairs (Dale Torborg sure can take a hit! His dad is so proud!) and look mean. It’ll be fun and we’ll make a boatload of money doing it. The people, they LOVE wrestling!

This will give you a chance to show the fans in New York and Boston that you aren’t some weak-armed, money-hungry, egomaniac looking for any opportunity to whore yourself out to the masses. 

This will give you a chance to show the fans in New York and Boston that even though you throw like a girl and your shoulder and foot are thisclose to falling apart, you aren’t afraid to get yourself beat up in a fake wrestling match just to score some publicity and some wrestler-loving ass a week before spring training begins.

It’ll be fun.

(And did I mention the money?)

Oh yeah, and Johnny, one last thing, if it’s all right with you, the guys at TNA asked me to make sure you don’t actually, you know, say anything when you’re on screen. Some people still think wrestling is real and we don’t want to ruin the illusion with your acting skills.

Hope to see you on Sunday!

Your good friend (but not in the gay way unless we get paid for it),

AJ Pierzynski

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