A Letter

Dear Theo:

What up?  I know you’re busy, but I need to get a few things off my chest.  See, I take a lot of grief for supporting you.  You traded for Jeff Suppan, I stood behind you.  You traded Nomar, I stood behind you.  You traded cute little Freddie Sanchez and STILL I stood behind you.  You escaped into the night in a gorilla suit and left the Red Sox without a man at the helm for MONTHS and I stood behind you.

Dude, you traded Bronson Arroyo after the kid took what amounted to a hometown discount and a stick up the rear to stay in Boston and STILL I stood behind you.   But this?  This is your most evil plan yet.  (As an aside, if this turns out to be true, Seth Mnookin scooped everyone early this afternoon and Red Sox message boards all around mocked him.  Maybe you should give him a job, Theo?  He can’t be any worse than Dr. Charles.)

Do you really think I don’t see what you’re doing?  Your man-crush on JD Drew makes Lenny’s man-crush on Bronson not look like a man crush at all.  But I see what’s going on.  You think if you throw the Trotter (and Red Sox Nation) a bone (which is, in this case, arbitration) that we’ll forget about the ridiculous amount of money you want to give your new boyfriend and we’ll just look the other way whilst you show possibly the greatest pure hitter in MLB today the door.

It’s so evil, it’s brilliant.  BRILLIANT.  We should just start calling you Harry because you’re either a con artist or a slight of hand magician.  While we’re looking over here at our dirtdog’s return, over there you’re kicking Manny out of Boston and giving JD Drew a sponge bath.  For shame, Theo, for shame.

I mean come ON.  You signed Alex Cora already.  You weren’t even THINKING about signing Trot, were you?  Not until people like Bob Ryan started publicly calling JD Drew a "slug".  I’m sure it doesn’t help that Dan Shaughnessy keeps writing and talking about how you need to trade Manny now.  Heaven forbid you look like you’re siding with the CHB.  I get it.  But there are other ways to make yourself stand out.

Again, I know you’re busy…and maybe you haven’t had time to focus on your job what with your upcoming wedding…but, dude, did you NOT watch the team last year?  The outfield?  Really not that big a problem.  The infield?  Number one in MLB, baby!  Those boys were MONEY!  You might have missed it…hey, things slip through the cracks, but where the team really had trouble?

Pitching.  (By the way, Bronson Arroyo called and told me to remind you that you can NEVER have enough pitching!)

Sure, you threw down the $51.11 million on Matsuzaka.  But he’s one guy, Theo.  Who do you have for a rotation right now?  Old Man Schilling, Old Man Wakefield, Moody Clement and "Can’t we just skip the first inning and automatically give the opposing team three home runs" Beckett.  (I kid, I love our pitchers.  But, you must admit we, oh how should I put it?  NEED SOME FREAKING NEW ONES!)

Oh wait, I forgot.  You’re putting the closer in the starting rotation.  The only truly brilliant thing to be on the mound at ALL last year – our new closer – is now going to try and be a starter.

I can’t WAIT to see how that works out.

Listen, you know I have your back, Theo.  I pretty much close my eyes during the Hot Stove and peek once in a while to make sure you haven’t sold Jason Varitek’s contract for some Juliana Hatfield cds.  Because each year, no matter what, I’m there supporting the team and loving them all.  That won’t change.

I just want you to know, I can see through your evil plan and it won’t work with me.  You ditch Manny for nothing more than a bullpen car and I’m a very unhappy chickie.  (Unless, of course, once he’s gone, Papi comes out and admits that Manny was a total dick and he’s happy he’s gone.  Then you’re pretty much off the hook.) 

I still really haven’t gotten over the whole Bronson debacle, so I’m pretty sure you don’t want to rattle my cage again, sweets.  Think about it.

As ever,

RSC

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